SUPER SPEED IS THE BEST SUPER POWER

When asked the question "What is the best super power and why?" most people will respond with something along the lines of "Flying because I want to soar with the birds/feel free/(something really stupid)."

They're wrong, because the best super power, hands down, is super speed. Let me tell you why.

Other than just the obvious perk of being able to run anywhere and be there as fast as lightning, there are many aspects to this super ability that get overlooked.

With super speed, you can move any part of your body at super speeds, not just your legs. Just imagine punching someone one million times in the face in the blink of an eye. I just did.

You could do simple tasks with lighting speed and precision. If I had super speed, this post wouldn't have taken a month to put up. Nor would it be going up at 6:30 in the morning. Your mind would also work at super speeds. You solve a sudoku in 30 seconds if you wanted to.

A major selling point for me on super speed though is one certain ability. Like I mentioned earlier, you can move any part of your body at super speeds. So, that means you can also move your MOLECULES at super speeds! What does this mean? Well, what it boils down to is that you can Walk through WALLS. I don't know the science behind it exactly, but I remember seeing The Flash do it in an episode of Superfriends when I was kid, so that's a legit source.

Some people might think a con of super speed might be that your eyes would dry out if you ran too fast without goggles on, and I say they are 100% wrong. Your body would naturally adapt to it's change in metabolism. You would develop a special film over your eyes so they WOULDN'T dry out. It all has to do with evolution, and it's so obvious.

Another con people might throw out there is that if you run too fast, you might hit something cause it would be hard to see where you're going. Again, false. Your brain has increased in speed to, as I mentioned earlier, so it would be able to process images fast enough to keep up with your own natural speed. It makes perfect sense.

The only REAL con is that you MIGHT be exponentially more hungry than you usually are because of the increase in metabolism, and that you might develop a short attention span. In all honesty, these are minor setbacks to one of the greatest abilities that mankind hopes to someday achieve.

EVER HAD RUSSIAN FOOD? ME EITHER

Has anyone ever been to an authentic Russian restaurant? How about the Taco Bell equivalent of Russian food? My guess is no, no one really has.

Why is this?

I honestly have no clue. Why does no one from Russia come to America to start an authentic Russian Restaurant where they hang the flag and instead of a fork and spoon you get a hammer and a sickle? In every movie I have ever seen where they try to pick out what kind of food they want to eat, they never mention Russian. They will name over Asian country, and then start with obscure African countries before they even think about Russian food.

"Oh hey man, you want Chinese?"
"Nah."
"How about Thai?"
"No way."
"Borneo? they have great pasta."
"Sure!"

People will eat food from Borneo before Russia! That is a bit ridiculous to me. Russia is a pretty hip place from what I hear, so they should have a chance to share their cuisine with Uncle Sam. Maybe with this massive amount of CHANGE right around the corner, this might happen...

MY XP IS WAY TOO LOW

There are things in this world that many do not get to experience in their lives. I have come to accept that I probably won't actually be able to obtain super-speed or do 100 hand-stand push ups, but there is one thing that I have to be a party of ONCE in my life.

A Food Fight.

It occurred to me today in the cafeteria while eating my cheeseburger. The thought of throwing it at some unsuspecting peer almost overwhelmed me because it was a terrible burger in the first place. I just wanted to frisbee it into this one girl's head across the caf. Then, if she retaliated, I would make the beautiful battle cry of "FOOD FIGHT!"

But nay, none of that actually happened. I did throw a fry at her, but she miraculously caught it. A most impressive feat I should say.

Maybe someday, if I want it bad enough, I'll be in place where throwing a handful of mashed potatoes at some jock, or some religion major's head, will yield little to no consequence.

Cause really, I don't want to get in trouble for something like that. If I were going to publicly cause mischief, it would be much more intense then that.

Any ideas on how I could get Bob Fisher himself to send me to the gallows?

CRAN-APPLE JUICE IS BY FAR THE BEST DRINK

I woke up this morning/afternoon and thought "Now, what exactly should I drink to cleanse my pallet of all this sinus drainage that happened throughout the night."

I went grocery shopping last night/way early this morning so I had a WIDE variety of products to choose from.

There was Big K Cola, but I felt like cola should be reserved for lunch, dinner, and way late at night to be drank, so that was out

There was Big K Root Beer. A good choice because for me, root beer ascends past where cola is put on the "when I should drink this" time line because I love it quite a bit, but I thought I should reserve it.

Then there was milk. Sweet, delicious milk. A common morning drink. A common anytime drink really. As I was about to settle on this sweet utter nectar, I remembered I wanted to reserve this milk specifically to be consumed with the king of cookie snacks, Oreos, so that left me with one choice....

Cran-Apple Juice

Now, some of you might be asking, "What in the Sam Hill is Cran-Apple??" Well, I'll tell you. Cran-Apple is combination of Cranberry Juice and Apple Juice. Why is this mix so exciting? It brings a very unique flavor of juice I have yet to find anywhere else. There is the tartness of the cranberry, and yet also, the smoothness of the apple. It's the most beautiful thing that can happen in your mouth.

Cran-Apple juice also has a special place in my heart because it helped me through a very hard time in my life. Way back in junior year of high school, I had some heart surgery done. Now, the little scars and things from the surgery isn't what pained me for my week of recovery. It was the catheter.

For the uninformed, a catheter is a little tube with a sack on the end that they stick up where you pee so you don't pee on the doctors while they're poking around your insides.

So yeah, after they took that out, they said peeing might hurt for a bit because of the antibacterial stuff they put on the tube. You have to pee that out. Well, it turns out it doesn't just hurt. IT KILLS. I was in the children's ward of Vanderbilt Hospital screaming "FUCK" at the top of my lungs when I went the first time.

So how does Cran-Apple juice fit into this tale of tragedy?

Turns out, cranberries reduce the acidity in your urine, so it feels like lovely clouds coming out when you pee. Well, I chugged as much cran-apple juice as I could during this process of peeing this stuff out, and yes, it was a process. It took a week before I was normal again. It thankfully, it really did help

So thank you, Cran-Apple Juice, for not only being delicious, but for being my penis's savior in it's darkest hour.

WHY ISN'T KRISTEN BELL MY GEE-EFF/WIFE?

Sometimes I wonder if there is someone out there for me. Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life, or have the fates picked out someone just for me? Well, they have, and I couldn't be more excited. Kristen Bell is my one and only. Let me list the reason's why

1.) We're both originally from Michigan. If only I didn't move away at the tender yet uninnocent age of two, perhaps our paths could have crossed. Yeah, sure, she's eight years older than me, but I met Luke Perry when I was ten, so why couldn't I have met Kristen right out the womb? What if we were at the same hospital. She was there for a cure for a heartache, and out popped me.

2.) We're both actors. We could do films together! But not playing opposite of each other because audiences don't find that entertaining to watch (ex. Gigli)

3.) She has super powers. Have you seen Heroes? She can shoot electricity out of her hands!! I would gladly buy her a ring from Shane Co. for an electric tug-job. fo realz.


So, Kristen Bell, if you're reading this, know that I will never hurt or leave you. We're perfect for one another. I Love You!