MY XP IS WAY TOO LOW

There are things in this world that many do not get to experience in their lives. I have come to accept that I probably won't actually be able to obtain super-speed or do 100 hand-stand push ups, but there is one thing that I have to be a party of ONCE in my life.

A Food Fight.

It occurred to me today in the cafeteria while eating my cheeseburger. The thought of throwing it at some unsuspecting peer almost overwhelmed me because it was a terrible burger in the first place. I just wanted to frisbee it into this one girl's head across the caf. Then, if she retaliated, I would make the beautiful battle cry of "FOOD FIGHT!"

But nay, none of that actually happened. I did throw a fry at her, but she miraculously caught it. A most impressive feat I should say.

Maybe someday, if I want it bad enough, I'll be in place where throwing a handful of mashed potatoes at some jock, or some religion major's head, will yield little to no consequence.

Cause really, I don't want to get in trouble for something like that. If I were going to publicly cause mischief, it would be much more intense then that.

Any ideas on how I could get Bob Fisher himself to send me to the gallows?

CRAN-APPLE JUICE IS BY FAR THE BEST DRINK

I woke up this morning/afternoon and thought "Now, what exactly should I drink to cleanse my pallet of all this sinus drainage that happened throughout the night."

I went grocery shopping last night/way early this morning so I had a WIDE variety of products to choose from.

There was Big K Cola, but I felt like cola should be reserved for lunch, dinner, and way late at night to be drank, so that was out

There was Big K Root Beer. A good choice because for me, root beer ascends past where cola is put on the "when I should drink this" time line because I love it quite a bit, but I thought I should reserve it.

Then there was milk. Sweet, delicious milk. A common morning drink. A common anytime drink really. As I was about to settle on this sweet utter nectar, I remembered I wanted to reserve this milk specifically to be consumed with the king of cookie snacks, Oreos, so that left me with one choice....

Cran-Apple Juice

Now, some of you might be asking, "What in the Sam Hill is Cran-Apple??" Well, I'll tell you. Cran-Apple is combination of Cranberry Juice and Apple Juice. Why is this mix so exciting? It brings a very unique flavor of juice I have yet to find anywhere else. There is the tartness of the cranberry, and yet also, the smoothness of the apple. It's the most beautiful thing that can happen in your mouth.

Cran-Apple juice also has a special place in my heart because it helped me through a very hard time in my life. Way back in junior year of high school, I had some heart surgery done. Now, the little scars and things from the surgery isn't what pained me for my week of recovery. It was the catheter.

For the uninformed, a catheter is a little tube with a sack on the end that they stick up where you pee so you don't pee on the doctors while they're poking around your insides.

So yeah, after they took that out, they said peeing might hurt for a bit because of the antibacterial stuff they put on the tube. You have to pee that out. Well, it turns out it doesn't just hurt. IT KILLS. I was in the children's ward of Vanderbilt Hospital screaming "FUCK" at the top of my lungs when I went the first time.

So how does Cran-Apple juice fit into this tale of tragedy?

Turns out, cranberries reduce the acidity in your urine, so it feels like lovely clouds coming out when you pee. Well, I chugged as much cran-apple juice as I could during this process of peeing this stuff out, and yes, it was a process. It took a week before I was normal again. It thankfully, it really did help

So thank you, Cran-Apple Juice, for not only being delicious, but for being my penis's savior in it's darkest hour.

WHY ISN'T KRISTEN BELL MY GEE-EFF/WIFE?

Sometimes I wonder if there is someone out there for me. Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life, or have the fates picked out someone just for me? Well, they have, and I couldn't be more excited. Kristen Bell is my one and only. Let me list the reason's why

1.) We're both originally from Michigan. If only I didn't move away at the tender yet uninnocent age of two, perhaps our paths could have crossed. Yeah, sure, she's eight years older than me, but I met Luke Perry when I was ten, so why couldn't I have met Kristen right out the womb? What if we were at the same hospital. She was there for a cure for a heartache, and out popped me.

2.) We're both actors. We could do films together! But not playing opposite of each other because audiences don't find that entertaining to watch (ex. Gigli)

3.) She has super powers. Have you seen Heroes? She can shoot electricity out of her hands!! I would gladly buy her a ring from Shane Co. for an electric tug-job. fo realz.


So, Kristen Bell, if you're reading this, know that I will never hurt or leave you. We're perfect for one another. I Love You!